You keep telling me
That you want to forget
The pain.
So why not
Give it a try?
You say that
It's easier said
Than done.
But you never tried.
Your life sucks.
I know.
Try to forget that
And try to smile.
Let all your tears out
Tonight.
Then come over
To my place
And we'll forget
Everything.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
The line breaks are really short, creating an annoying start-stop effect.
To be completely honest, this is like a note to a best friend which you emailed to them on the heels of some bad event, only it is in verse. Sure, if you want to write your friend a note in verse, be my guest, but I don't want to read the note. Poetry [poetry to be shared] should do something for the reader.
At fourteen, though, I was terrible at poetry, and had no idea what I was doing. I suggest you get some books on writing poetry, and some poetry collects. Read poetry, and learn what it is really all about. It's like trying to speak a foreign language when you don't even know the basics; how can you start something if you don't know the first thing about it?
Crying Rain --
This is okay. You have some basic imagery, but nothing special. Nothing complex. There is emotion, and that's good. But the emotion pales in comparison to the overall sloppiness of the poem. So, with more imagery, there would be a nice blend and this would be generally a better poem.
I don't really like the short, abrupt sentences. But that's just a matter of personal opinion, so feel free to ignore that comment if you wish.
Now - back to the imagery.
You can add more by going into greater detail describing things like the tears, the pain, etc. This is a rather cliched theme but I can see that this poem came from your heart, and you can't help it if what you think and feel is cliched, can you?
Any ways. I always prefer imagery that is more complex - imagery that uses very poetic language such as interesting metaphors and similes. So you might want to add some of those, but once again, it's just personal preference.
I'm really sorry if this review sounded harsh. I know how crushing it can be to receive a negative critique on your first day, but trust me, they really help you improve.
Never give up!
- Camille
This is a really nice but sad piece of work. How did you come up with this? I really liked it. you can feel the emotion in it. Keep it up.